The Great War of '82

H: There was a war between all the good guys and all the bad guys in the world.
Me: When was this?
H: 1982.
Me: That's the year I was born. How did it start?
H: A big bad buffalo stomped on a good guy's house… you probably would've seen the buffalo as you were being born.

"The only reason I let you cut my nails is because I saw something and kept looking at it, like I was addicted to looking at it. It was kind of like I was in a trance."

[In the chicken run] "Don't leave me here, or I'll have to have chicken for dinner!"

A Word About Disney

"You know what I don't like about the Lion King? Is that the movie doesn't care about the mommy, it's just all about the daddy and like 'oh, the daddy died, so you know, dad's more important than women -- not true, dude!' Don't try to get children to believe that! Disney is all about men, that's why they did it."

I told her I would post this now and she said "Post this to grandpa Pat... no, post this to someone who owns a Wawa store. Post this to someone who owns an arcade."

Towel Me Off Forever

Me: A dehumidifier makes the air less humid.
Hattie: Really? That's great, because I hate humidity!
Me: Then you are truly your mother's daughter, because she hates humidity too.
H: How do you feel about humidity?
Me: I don't like it, but it doesn't bother me the way it bothers mommy.
H: Well guess what, [sings] Mommy genes, genes, genes to the baby, genes, genes, genes to the baby. You could also have little jeans that are for babies, so… PUN! Got you there!!!


H: Towel me off forever! Make this towel-off last forever! Wait, no -- my childhood! Good things that have happened... good things that will happen! Stop the towel-off!

Potty Talk Time

I want a penis, a vagina and a pure butt to go.
I want five penises from Henry, five vaginas from Drew and a vagina set from Phoebe.

H: Haha you pooped and peed in your pants!
Me: No, I never poop and pee in my pants, I only poop and pee in your pants.

Me: That's enough potty talk.
H: Potty talk is a legend. Many children have dined upon jokes of butt and penises.

Dark Ages Forever

"I want to see a manatee jump over the moon! Manatee and dolphin kissing on top of the moon!"

Hattie was sitting on my head, whacking my face with a stuffed hedgehog, saying I was in prison for being a bad guy. I said "You know, they used to give criminals all sorts of crazy punishments, but then they made a bill of rights, and one of the rights is that there shall be no cruel and unusual punishment. So a criminal can be put in prison, but you can't sit on his head in prison whacking him in the face with a hedgehog."
Hattie: "No. Dark ages forever."

"Hey man, you can't join the band unless you have a cowbell."

"Instead of 'more cowbell', it should be 'more catbell'!"

Armpit is the Place

Armpit is the place
Everybody loves armpit
Armpit is the man
"Oh, this music is so romantic, and tempting, and spooky, and modern -- and it's all because of armpit! Everybody take pictures of armpit!"
"I want to take pictures of armpit!"
"No, I want to take pictures of armpit!"

Give the Earth a bath
Replanting trees is the soap
Recycling is the water
The recycling bin is the bathtub

Come see Hattie's Extreme Romantic Orchestra

The Story of Her Birth

Just found this one I transcribed a while back:

C-section, then pollution went into your eyeball
C-section, then pollution went into your eyeball
Mommy felt good, even doing the pushing
I was wriggling, I tried this (shakes shoulders)
I tried this (shakes hips) I tried this (shakes legs)
I tried this (gets in sneaky pose) but none of it worked
Until December 2, that's why that's my birthday

Come Onnnnnn, God

"Why do people meditate to God? With an apple in their mouth and glasses on their chin and a band-aid on their forehead saying 'Come onnnnnnnnnn, God, come doooooooown here' and a cat is biting them and they're like 'Come onnnnnnnnnn OW come dooooooooooown OW here'?"

In Mt. Airy I saw a license plate "FOXY BRWN" and another that said "STILL FLY". I explained to Hattie the slang meaning of "fly" and she said "You're fly, daddy!" and that "The person with that license plate must brag a lot" and I said that "fly" is/was part of hip hop slang, and that a lot of hip hop songs involve bragging, such as "Fresh, Fly, Wild and Bold! And we'll be that way until we're old!" and she said "Oh, like 'Yeeeeeeah, I have so much money! And my cat never bites me! And I have coupons to Jules Thin Crust! And they never expire!'"

A Cat's Fair Deeds

If anyone says they don't want women's rights, then cats pounce out of the jet and claw the people and have a wrestling match with them and then fire comes out and unicorns to poke their heads and then fairies put spells on the cats so they can fly back up to the jet and water goes everywhere and then cats with jet packs use blow dryers to blow them around and take them back to cat jail and cat Hades.

People who do like women's rights, the cats and unicorns fly and take them to cat heaven where everything is nice and everyone is treated fairly and the cats get a fish every day, and then they have a big celebration every day, and on Martin Luther King Day every day, a big train takes everybody to a big celebration, and the cats like to call it Martin Luther Cat Day. And then a big cat throws down confetti and all the cats eat cake and then the big cat trumpets as the king and queen cat walk through and then the big cat says "Meow! the king and queen cat are coming through!" and every cat gets to sleep in a house on a woman's lap which is on a chair which is on a carpet which is on a floor which is in a house. The End.

I want this to be a poem called "A Cat's Affair Deeds", because the cats are being fair, aren't they?

The New York Rule

"Not fair! Everyone has to know morse code in the universe, and in the world, and on Jupiter, and on booboo-head, and on booboo-head planet…"

"So is there a rule in New York that you have to hold your belly button up to the lantern every night, and you have to stick your tongue out for greetings at the window every day? Can you e-mail this to the government please? What if you had to stick your butt out at the window so people can laugh at your butt every day, while drinking tea?"

The Archered Wall of Harmony

Hattie asked me why I laughed. I said it was because of something on Facebook that is too hard to explain and won't be funny to her. She asked me to explain it anyway so I did.
She said "That's not funny. You know what is?
Butt remover."

When a big rubber ball rolled toward some people on exercise machines:

"Oh no, double trouble!
The ball will hit the people and they'll go flying!

…and then they won't get enough exercise."

Also she wants to write a story called "Palony princess and the Archered Wall of Harmony" which she says would be "inspired by Romeo and Juliet, but not a tragedy"
[note: I think this title is a mangling of something she heard in some cartoon, but I like it]

There's No Such Thing

"You're the worst ever. Actually, I love you."

"You're done peeing."
No I'm not.
"There's no such thing as a silent pee, you know."

[after passing by a hospital room with a baby in it]
"I saw the baby just being born. I put blessings on the baby. I kissed it and embraced it and wished it the longest life ever. I wished it to live as long as Pete Seeger, or even longer, and I put much health upon it."

T.H.

"Yay, it's Mommy's car! That means she'll hug me and kiss me until she's tired of it. I mean, she'll hug and kiss me until her huggers and kissers are sore."

"We shall overcome... um... we shall live in peace... um... no cats"

Then she sang the song from the perspective of mice:
"We shall live without cats / We shall live without cats
We shall live without cats someday"
Then, in her "cat voice": "That's what you think! BITE!"

"I am a boat that sails in the sea
Please have a little faith in me"

"Mommy's name is T.H. Elizabeth."
What is the T.H. stand for?
"Caramel Amazon."

The Perfect Combination

"Brown skin and permanent tattoos is the perfect combination."
Me: "For what?"
"Health."