Her rap from 2012, under an awning in the rain around 10th and South:
West Philly on the beat
Saturday Philly on the feet
South Philly all the week
Robert on Matt's head
Motorcycles on the yellow
Oh no no, I have a fellow
Oh no, I have a rain fellow
Put the fellow inside a cloud
Put the flower inside the rain cloud
Put the rain cloud inside the house
Put Carey on Robert's head
Put the bubbles on the puppy
Put the Hatties on the kitty
Put the kitties on the kitty muscles
Put the kitties on Robert's nose
On South Philly NOO NOO NOO NOO
Friday, August 30, 2013
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Butt Survivor
Captain Plot
The only captain who was not dead
And his eyeballs are popped out
And his brain is not there
And he has lost his brain and eyeballs
He's a zombie now
As a zombie he's gone looking for his brain and eyeballs
He's going to eat them
Captain Plot is not a zombie
But he is dead
I don't think he'll go ahoma*
But I know definitely he will never wake up
For he is sanking from his pirate ship
To the bottom of the sea
He cannot tell his orders
Because his first mate and all that
Are already dead
He wishes:
"If only I could save the princess
From the zombie biome swamp
Because I didn't want her to turn into a zombie
She would not make a beautiful zombie
And I think she should live forever
In the zoo
If she was a giraffe
And I suppose she could live in her own castle
without a king and a queen
but I want her to live in a house in the village
and not a castle
I suppose the princess I wanted to save
from the terrible storm
is not under arrest
but is already dead on the pirate ship
that sank in the storm
I don't think I'll ever have my own princess again
But I know I will still have my own bedroom
I know I'm already dead
But I'll never suh-ved
Until I'm an elephant honor"
*when someone is dead for 22 years
The only captain who was not dead
And his eyeballs are popped out
And his brain is not there
And he has lost his brain and eyeballs
He's a zombie now
As a zombie he's gone looking for his brain and eyeballs
He's going to eat them
Captain Plot is not a zombie
But he is dead
I don't think he'll go ahoma*
But I know definitely he will never wake up
For he is sanking from his pirate ship
To the bottom of the sea
He cannot tell his orders
Because his first mate and all that
Are already dead
He wishes:
"If only I could save the princess
From the zombie biome swamp
Because I didn't want her to turn into a zombie
She would not make a beautiful zombie
And I think she should live forever
In the zoo
If she was a giraffe
And I suppose she could live in her own castle
without a king and a queen
but I want her to live in a house in the village
and not a castle
I suppose the princess I wanted to save
from the terrible storm
is not under arrest
but is already dead on the pirate ship
that sank in the storm
I don't think I'll ever have my own princess again
But I know I will still have my own bedroom
I know I'm already dead
But I'll never suh-ved
Until I'm an elephant honor"
*when someone is dead for 22 years
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Gods and Seas
"I think God has the head and hair and eyes and neck and voice and brain and thoughts of a woman, but the body of a man."
"There's a dad named Chronos who wants to be god of kids, that's why he gets arrested.
The god police let him go and he becomes a god. He looks like a mommy hippo.
The god of Scotland was so mad at him and wanted him to just stay a dad, so he only got to be god for one day. He didn't really know what god does, so he tried to stop mean gods from doing floods and storms and stuff, and he never was mean, he only did nice stuff, so he wasn't very much like a god."
"If God does any more floods in stories, I'll make him lose his job and he won't be God anymore."
"The first sea is New Jersea. The second sea is... other seas. But if you hear someone talk about the seven seas, you know they're a pirate."
"There's a dad named Chronos who wants to be god of kids, that's why he gets arrested.
The god police let him go and he becomes a god. He looks like a mommy hippo.
The god of Scotland was so mad at him and wanted him to just stay a dad, so he only got to be god for one day. He didn't really know what god does, so he tried to stop mean gods from doing floods and storms and stuff, and he never was mean, he only did nice stuff, so he wasn't very much like a god."
"If God does any more floods in stories, I'll make him lose his job and he won't be God anymore."
"The first sea is New Jersea. The second sea is... other seas. But if you hear someone talk about the seven seas, you know they're a pirate."
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Weird Dudes Do Not Win Prizes
you are a weird dude
weird dudes do not win prizes
because girls do not like them
only girls know what they're doing
weird dudes smack their butts
actually, girls smack their butts for them
weird dudes have a society to the kids
dudes don't know what they're doing
so children and women have to open their backs
to get to the weird dude brain
full of mommy hair and wedding dresses
where children and mommies get married
pull hundreds of weird dudes out of the brain
put them all in jail
then only girls will be in existence
Nasty Mane II
Black ocean swirls
Nasty claws rise
Bats shred your heads
Call you a nasty person
With nasty mane fire
Nasty whale
Bent blood dog
Nasty Mane I
Snap that bird
Poop position
Snap that bird
Poop position
Eyeball splatter
Eyeball splatter
Eyeball splatter
'Cause the eye bust loose
weird dudes do not win prizes
because girls do not like them
only girls know what they're doing
weird dudes smack their butts
actually, girls smack their butts for them
weird dudes have a society to the kids
dudes don't know what they're doing
so children and women have to open their backs
to get to the weird dude brain
full of mommy hair and wedding dresses
where children and mommies get married
pull hundreds of weird dudes out of the brain
put them all in jail
then only girls will be in existence
Nasty Mane II
Black ocean swirls
Nasty claws rise
Bats shred your heads
Call you a nasty person
With nasty mane fire
Nasty whale
Bent blood dog
Nasty Mane I
Snap that bird
Poop position
Snap that bird
Poop position
Eyeball splatter
Eyeball splatter
Eyeball splatter
'Cause the eye bust loose
Monday, July 8, 2013
3 More Oldies + The "Girl" in the Picture
"If you crack open Grandpa Pat's eyes, all there is is Cupid flying through the skies."
"I'm part Irish, I'm part Jewish & it makes me wanna hula!"
while putting on her necklace & bracelet: "I'm adding the toppings"
"Look at that girl in that picture."
Liz: "That's a man."
"No, it's a girl."
Liz: "Why do you think it's a girl?"
"Because I think she has a vagina and boys don't have those"
"I'm part Irish, I'm part Jewish & it makes me wanna hula!"
while putting on her necklace & bracelet: "I'm adding the toppings"
"Look at that girl in that picture."
Liz: "That's a man."
"No, it's a girl."
Liz: "Why do you think it's a girl?"
"Because I think she has a vagina and boys don't have those"
Saturday, July 6, 2013
My name is
My name is Babera
My name is Omera
My name is cat-ear
My name is bloodchomp
My name is nothing
[Babera and Omera are approximations, I didn't get to write it down verbatim]
My name is Omera
My name is cat-ear
My name is bloodchomp
My name is nothing
[Babera and Omera are approximations, I didn't get to write it down verbatim]
Archive 2
Here, out of chronological order, are a variety of chestnuts which were missing from the "The Archive" post:
Positivity
Do not touch a potty
You will turn into a white dog
And knock over a building
Until you are a
White white white white apple
Positivity
Knock over a tree until you are a white mean bear
Positivity #12
Knock over everything until you are a white cat
Get that cat
Snap it in its lap
Put it on your head
And throw it in your juice
And drink that cat juice
One
Turn into an eye
Throw that eye into a dog
Throw the dog into a muffin
Eat that dog muffin
---
Hattie has been asking to watch/listen "We Are The Robots" every day. "Chalk up a robot, chalk up a robot, knock up a robot"
"I changed my mind about the Seventies."
Me: "You changed your mind about the Seventies?"
"Yeah. I changed my mind about pacis [pacifiers] and the Seventies."
"Do veterinarians take care of monsters too?"
"HA ha HA! I can make bedtime disappear!"
"Mommy went on the playground and said 'I'm going to turn all these big kids into little babies' and I said 'no mommy, they already went to babies' and she said 'OK, I guess that's your deal'"
"Phoebe and I went to the Please Touch Museum and we saw a squirrel lick a little piece of the Please Touch Museum"
"We should make a pool out of pretzels, and fill it with water, and then gophers & bunnies can swim in the pretzel-pool."
"There are buildings everywhere, but not in Delaware."
"I want to sleep in Central Park for no reason."
"It's bad to throw out beautiful things. Lollipops are beautiful so it is bad to throw out lollipops."
"Golden retrievers are beautiful. They have beautiful hearts. They are golden because they are beautiful."
"I want to go in Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania is nasty."
"There should be a hoagie library, and the books are made of hoagies, and you can eat them...and salad ice cream!"
Liz: "George is at the studio right now, and Hattie just asked me if he's making "rock n' roll Japanese music," so I told her about Melt Banana, and she laughed really hard and said "Bananas don't melt!" Then I told her about Guitar Wolf, and she said "Guitars don't WOOF!" Then she said her Japanese band is called "Go Motorcycle No," which I think sounds very believable as a Japanese rock band, or at least a Guitar Woof song."
Hattie has been tacking "in the 1980's" on to the end of sentences and saying "We're stuck in the 1980's."
"When I am a grown-up, me and Bridget [her preschool friend] will be mommies together and have a son named Hattie, and we'll live in a big house in Manahawkin."
"The next holiday is SidePits Day!"
Liz: "Sidekicks?"
"No, PITS- like deep in the ground"
Liz: "Oh, what happens on SidePits Day?"
"All the adults act like Mitt Romney."
Liz: "Whoa."
"Mitt Romney OR Obama Care"
"Headlocks are cute! [scream] [sob] [laugh]"
"Is the night time hiding somewhere?
Isn't the night time hiding some bear?"
(In response to "did you wash your hands?":
"No, but I saw a squirrel!"
Hattie's Peppermint Dance: "Red in the circle! White in the circle! Lower down 'til you're out of sight! Lower up 'til you're out of sight! All around 'til you're out of sight, 'ight! All of the Peppermint DANCE in the Beppermint!"
Jumping into a discussion about driving on snowy roads: "I don't know about cars - I am not in that circle - but..."
"I think reading books is beautiful work."
3/10/12
"Your butt, 55 cents."
Me: "Ny butt is pretty cheap, huh?"
Hattie: "Something is cheaper than a pretzel."
Later: "Your butt is managed."
"Do you want to be tied up?"
Me: "No, I don't want to be tied up."
Hattie: "Some guys do, some guys don't."
1/22/12
I think hattie just issued her first rap diss... she chanted rhythmically:
"I want that baby to not come here
I want that baby to disappear"
1/1/12
Puff (Hattie's Haunted Christmas Story)
Once upon a time there was a boy skeleton and a girl skeleton and the boy skeleton wanted the girl skeleton and so they waited for Santa to come. It was too spooky to make snowmen. It was too wintery and the house was too haunted to make gingerbread men. The ghost said "Boo!" to Santa and the girl said "Boo!" to Santa and Santa said "Ho ho ho EEK! Two ghosties!"
4/9/12
Hattie skipped her nap yesterday amid Easter excitement, and thus was a frazzled mess by evening and fell asleep in the middle of dinner, right at the table. She slept into the night and woke up for the day at 4 am giddily telling us about her dreams inspired by the Alice in Wonderland part of Please Touch Museum (and the one time she saw 2/3 of the animated movie). I couldn't write it all down but here is a substantial excerpt:
"Frosty, Frosty, Frosty, Frosty the Ladybug and before I was born, the Mad Hatter was a baby. And the kids were just staring at the walrus and they started screaming! AUIUIIUIU! Totoro fell over the rabbit hole! Alice kept thinking about the Cheshire Cat.
Wonderland is a bee land and there's a special kind of bug that helps you get there, there's a bus called an ambulance that doesn't take you to the doctors, it takes you to wonderland and then it goes back to its place. guess what? a baby said 'Whu whu whu… ALICE!' and then the baby said 'Whu whu whu… take me to the Mad Hatter!' Before the families had their homes in Wonderland, the baby said 'bu diu, bu diu, bu diu'"
9/19/10
Hattie played a real drumkit for the first time. After thumping around she said "BOOM BOOM! haha... music." and I said "you want to make music?" and she said "haha, ok." Then she bashed out time and chanted "MUSIC! MUSIC! MUSIC!"
Positivity
Do not touch a potty
You will turn into a white dog
And knock over a building
Until you are a
White white white white apple
Positivity
Knock over a tree until you are a white mean bear
Positivity #12
Knock over everything until you are a white cat
Get that cat
Snap it in its lap
Put it on your head
And throw it in your juice
And drink that cat juice
One
Turn into an eye
Throw that eye into a dog
Throw the dog into a muffin
Eat that dog muffin
---
Hattie has been asking to watch/listen "We Are The Robots" every day. "Chalk up a robot, chalk up a robot, knock up a robot"
"I changed my mind about the Seventies."
Me: "You changed your mind about the Seventies?"
"Yeah. I changed my mind about pacis [pacifiers] and the Seventies."
"Do veterinarians take care of monsters too?"
"HA ha HA! I can make bedtime disappear!"
"Mommy went on the playground and said 'I'm going to turn all these big kids into little babies' and I said 'no mommy, they already went to babies' and she said 'OK, I guess that's your deal'"
"Phoebe and I went to the Please Touch Museum and we saw a squirrel lick a little piece of the Please Touch Museum"
"We should make a pool out of pretzels, and fill it with water, and then gophers & bunnies can swim in the pretzel-pool."
"There are buildings everywhere, but not in Delaware."
"I want to sleep in Central Park for no reason."
"It's bad to throw out beautiful things. Lollipops are beautiful so it is bad to throw out lollipops."
"Golden retrievers are beautiful. They have beautiful hearts. They are golden because they are beautiful."
"I want to go in Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania is nasty."
"There should be a hoagie library, and the books are made of hoagies, and you can eat them...and salad ice cream!"
Liz: "George is at the studio right now, and Hattie just asked me if he's making "rock n' roll Japanese music," so I told her about Melt Banana, and she laughed really hard and said "Bananas don't melt!" Then I told her about Guitar Wolf, and she said "Guitars don't WOOF!" Then she said her Japanese band is called "Go Motorcycle No," which I think sounds very believable as a Japanese rock band, or at least a Guitar Woof song."
Hattie has been tacking "in the 1980's" on to the end of sentences and saying "We're stuck in the 1980's."
"When I am a grown-up, me and Bridget [her preschool friend] will be mommies together and have a son named Hattie, and we'll live in a big house in Manahawkin."
"The next holiday is SidePits Day!"
Liz: "Sidekicks?"
"No, PITS- like deep in the ground"
Liz: "Oh, what happens on SidePits Day?"
"All the adults act like Mitt Romney."
Liz: "Whoa."
"Mitt Romney OR Obama Care"
"Headlocks are cute! [scream] [sob] [laugh]"
"Is the night time hiding somewhere?
Isn't the night time hiding some bear?"
(In response to "did you wash your hands?":
"No, but I saw a squirrel!"
Hattie's Peppermint Dance: "Red in the circle! White in the circle! Lower down 'til you're out of sight! Lower up 'til you're out of sight! All around 'til you're out of sight, 'ight! All of the Peppermint DANCE in the Beppermint!"
Jumping into a discussion about driving on snowy roads: "I don't know about cars - I am not in that circle - but..."
"I think reading books is beautiful work."
3/10/12
"Your butt, 55 cents."
Me: "Ny butt is pretty cheap, huh?"
Hattie: "Something is cheaper than a pretzel."
Later: "Your butt is managed."
"Do you want to be tied up?"
Me: "No, I don't want to be tied up."
Hattie: "Some guys do, some guys don't."
1/22/12
I think hattie just issued her first rap diss... she chanted rhythmically:
"I want that baby to not come here
I want that baby to disappear"
1/1/12
Puff (Hattie's Haunted Christmas Story)
Once upon a time there was a boy skeleton and a girl skeleton and the boy skeleton wanted the girl skeleton and so they waited for Santa to come. It was too spooky to make snowmen. It was too wintery and the house was too haunted to make gingerbread men. The ghost said "Boo!" to Santa and the girl said "Boo!" to Santa and Santa said "Ho ho ho EEK! Two ghosties!"
4/9/12
Hattie skipped her nap yesterday amid Easter excitement, and thus was a frazzled mess by evening and fell asleep in the middle of dinner, right at the table. She slept into the night and woke up for the day at 4 am giddily telling us about her dreams inspired by the Alice in Wonderland part of Please Touch Museum (and the one time she saw 2/3 of the animated movie). I couldn't write it all down but here is a substantial excerpt:
"Frosty, Frosty, Frosty, Frosty the Ladybug and before I was born, the Mad Hatter was a baby. And the kids were just staring at the walrus and they started screaming! AUIUIIUIU! Totoro fell over the rabbit hole! Alice kept thinking about the Cheshire Cat.
Wonderland is a bee land and there's a special kind of bug that helps you get there, there's a bus called an ambulance that doesn't take you to the doctors, it takes you to wonderland and then it goes back to its place. guess what? a baby said 'Whu whu whu… ALICE!' and then the baby said 'Whu whu whu… take me to the Mad Hatter!' Before the families had their homes in Wonderland, the baby said 'bu diu, bu diu, bu diu'"
9/19/10
Hattie played a real drumkit for the first time. After thumping around she said "BOOM BOOM! haha... music." and I said "you want to make music?" and she said "haha, ok." Then she bashed out time and chanted "MUSIC! MUSIC! MUSIC!"
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Moby Dick
I've been reading Moby Dick, and reading her passages by request and telling her about other parts, and she has a few ideas about the story:
- The whalers are hunting the whales to make whale oil for candles so babies don't get scared in the dark
- Moby Dick is protected by his sisters, who love him
- It would be sad if Ahab killed him because his wife would be in sorrow
- Moby Dick doesn't trust human boys, only girls, because all the whalers are boys
- In one version, Ahab falls in love with Moby Dick
- The whalers are hunting the whales to make whale oil for candles so babies don't get scared in the dark
- Moby Dick is protected by his sisters, who love him
- It would be sad if Ahab killed him because his wife would be in sorrow
- Moby Dick doesn't trust human boys, only girls, because all the whalers are boys
- In one version, Ahab falls in love with Moby Dick
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
The Archive
6/30/13
Hattie wrote these lyrics today:
A firefly smoked himself
And the smoke went toward Florida
Now all that's left is a pineapple boot
Pineapple boot, pineapple boot
All that's left is a pineapple boot
'Cause I'm the only one
Who smoked myself in a bun
Because a robber chased me
And turned into a potato peach
Pineapple boot, pineapple boot
All that's left is a pineapple boot
6/12/13
"Weird Fancy Rhyme":
Rock the jam, dude
Amelia Bass
Boo boo boo,
Put your hands on your face
6/8/13
"I drink apple juice every morning to get my mouth ready to say words, my feet ready to walk, my hands ready to do things, and my skirt ready to twirl."
When I'm explaining to her how big the number 1 million is and how there many people there are in Philly:
"This is making me nervous, because if all the people run out of their homes and climb on cars to catch butterflies, will there be room for me to join in and go crazy?"
"If you lose a hand, that's terrible. But if you find a hand, it's lovely!"
5/30/13
Hattie: What do you think the government is doing right now? What do you think he's doing?
Me: The government isn't one person. There are different levels of government. there's the city government of Philadelphia, the state government of Pennsylvania, the national government of the USA.
Hattie: I think the city government is eating pasta right now. You might argue that the government can't eat pasta, but it can.
Me: Well, there are many people within city government -- the mayor and the city council members -- and they do argue each day about what to do.
Hattie: Today they're arguing about what to do about Jesus. And I'm like "come on, man. what are you going to do to him? He's already dead!"
5/28/13
"Everybody come to the national Hattie Let's Dance Slash Let's Eat Festival!"
"Boys don't know how to do anything exciting, just flop around and talk about action heroes."
Me: "If you throw clothes around the room again, no bedtime story."
Hattie: "What does 'threaten' mean?"
4/15/13
"That is a lovely pee. It wears flowers in its hair, an easter dress, many hats, an ear that is not an ear, a mouth that is not a mouth, and a crown that is not a crown."
"The Earth can't turn into Mars! But if it could it would be today. Then all the creepy monsters would come out... and the aliens would come out... and the wicked witch would come out."
How would it happen?
"I don't know so I'm just going to play poker."
With who?
"With myself... [sees teenage boys walking by] The way those boys are walking is dangerous! It could turn the Earth into Mars!"
"I don't cooperate when mommy's giving me a bath"
Grandma: What happens when you don't cooperate?
"Mommy turns inside out"
"I'm going to name my boat 'Fat Babies Who Eat Tigers'"
Hattie put three bandaids on a stuffed donut toy.
Pointed at the first: "RINGWORM!"
The second: "SEPTUS NOSE DESIRE!"
The third: "BLOOD RASH!"
3/28/13
"There's a band called The Moldy Cats.
They're not actually moldy cats… [changes mind]
They're moldy cats, playing in a museum.
Cats playing guitar, playing guitar!
Banging on drums, banging on drums!
Throwing dead birds, throwing dead birds!
Cats with pompoms, cats with pompoms!
With a cat cake with chicken on top!"
3/18/13
Hattie recently asked me:
"Are you going to get old?"
"Yes."
"Are you going to die of old age?"
"Yes."
"But I love you! I need a daddy!" Tears.
I hugged her and said I that I'm always going to be her daddy and I wouldn't die for a long long time, that she'd have a daddy for a long long time. Her doctor came in for the checkup and I explained why she was crying and he said she's smart to ask these questions.
After the appointment she asked when I would die.
I said that I don't know, but if I get to live to a ripe old age I should have 50 years or more, and that 50 years is so long from now, she'd be much older than I am now by the time that happens and I'll be her daddy the whole time. That when she's 12 and doing big kid stuff that she can't do yet (she asked "Like watching Howl's Moving Castle?") I'd be her daddy, and when she's 15 and doing teenager stuff I'll be her daddy, and when she's 25 and she's moved out and found her own place to live and a job I'll be her daddy, and if she decides to get married or not I'll be her daddy. Then I said that 50 years is so far in the future, everything will be different. People may have cars that drive themselves, some cities may be underwater, the weather will be different, and there may be medical breakthroughs that allow people to live longer so I can be her daddy for longer. I told her about breakthroughs of the past -- penicillin and smallpox vaccine and polio vaccine.
A few days later she said asked me again when I would die. I said "Oh, honey --" but when I turned to see her she was smiling. I asked why she was smiling and she said
"Because you'll be my daddy for a long long time."
2/17/13
I am Puss Puss, I will hate water for many years
I will jump away from your house
I will land in elsewhere
In Kansas I will meow for the twisters are fast
I will yeow, I do not to go to the emerald city
Except for my extra ear
But my extra ear walked away
And i will not get it ever again
I will meow at the hedgehogs I pass
and Tiggy, I will gladly pounce on you
and snifter I will get him
I can pounce on any guinea pig
I can pounce on Flip Flop
I can pounce on an actual flip flop
11/5/12
"Headlocks are cute! [scream] [sob] [laugh]"
"is the night time hiding somewhere?
isn't the night time hiding some bear?"
(in response to "did you wash your hands?":
"no, but i saw a squirrel!"
10/12/12
"i'm the main doctor in the neighborhood, i can take care of my own sicknesses"
"i don't like the mad hatter, i like alice, because i noticed she's a girl and i'm a girl myself"
"puss-puss crossed greene street and looked in the window at germantown friends looking for kids to nuzzle but there were no kids there because it was saturday, so he just ran down germantown avenue crying for his whole life"
9/12/12
Hattie has been suggesting names for "punk rock bands":
Nasty Mane
Flashing Mother
Kadi Sanago
8/23/12
Hattie and i stop to pick up a takeout order liz had called in at mi puebla. i put 6 minutes on the meter. we get back to the car in time, but then i have take Hattie into chef ken's cafe to use the bathroom and i forget to refill the meter. Hattie asks about the picture of muhammad ali standing over sonny liston and i try to explain what boxing is. i get back to the meter and we thankfully don't have a ticket. i tell Hattie that we're lucky, because the parking authority can get mad and make us pay money, and if they get really mad they can lock the car with a boot, and if they get really really mad they tow your car to the impound lot and you have to pay money to get it back.
Hattie starts extrapolating "if they get super mad, they break your car and you have to pay to get it fixed!"
next day in the car, Hattie says
"if the parking authority gets super duper mad, they cut down a bush and put it on your car, and you have to pay money to get it off"
8/15/12
took Hattie to guitar center for an evening's entertainment banging on drums and such. didn't buy anything. when we got home liz asked "what songs did you play?" and she said
"blues rock chicago, punk rock mo, chinese sadie, indian bot"
6/15/12
Hattie's history of evolution:
"first there were dinosaurs, then there was a puppy. then, monkey business!"
5/9/12
Hattie: you took my life!
me: i didn't take your life! what are you talking about?
Hattie, smiling: i'm talking about angry stuff.
4/25/12
H: I love you, I love you, you're a custaboo.
me: I love you too. What's a custaboo?
H: something that holds mysteries.
4/2/12
Hattie: "welcome to you, welcome to me, welcome to bugs."
me: "welcome to bugs? what bugs?"
Hattie: "Lady one."
me: "Lady bugs?"
Hattie: "Yes. Head up, this is a silly time."
3/27/12
"Is Mommy punk?"
Liz: "George, you be Butch Cassidy, and Hattie can be The Sundance Kid." Hattie: "No, I want to be the director." Then later: "I don't want to be a sundancer, I want to be a ladywoman."
2/2/12
"Remember, don't eat people, eat food. Welcome to Hattie's restaurant, with food. You don't eat paper. My restaurant is named Woot because it has radishes and badishes and kadishes and burgerita burgerita burgerita."
1/16/12
"Daddy, there's something important you need to do with me and mommy."
"…and what is that?"
"Woof."
"Thanks for this important instruction." "You're welcome. Boof."
1/22/12
i think hattie just issued her first rap diss... she chanted rhythmically:
"i want that baby to not come here
i want that baby to disappear"
1/16/12
Hattie: "where is south carolina?"
Me: "it's pretty far away"
H: "the elephants would need a moving truck to go there and have a movie jungle picnic with coffee and beer"
1/1/12
Puff (Hattie's Haunted Christmas Story)
Once upon a time there was a boy skeleton and a girl skeleton and the boy skeleton wanted the girl skeleton and so they waited for Santa to come. It was too spooky to make snowmen. It was too wintery and the house was too haunted to make gingerbread men. The ghost said "Boo!" to Santa and the girl said "Boo!" to Santa and Santa said "Ho ho ho EEK! Two ghosties!"
11/3/11
the wolf just prowls and the ghosts are afraid of the wolf.
the lonely wolf wants a kid to be its pet.
the witch brings all the kids and the monster balloons and the robot balloons to the high, high mountain.
the wolf meets a baby ghost but its actually a clown.
10/16/11
Hattie: "why are you talking quiet?"
me: "because it's bedtime. it's time to be quiet"
Hattie: "no, daddy. i'm a girl and i want to be loud."
Hattie: "what's he doing?"
homeless guy laying on floor next to elevator: "i'm putting on baby powder. does the baby want some?"
me: "the irony is, babies aren't supposed to use baby powder anymore. so baby powder is actually for everyone but babies."
Hattie: "i want to be a butt baby!"
8/4/11
The Story of How Yogurt Became Banana Yogurt
by Hattie
Bananas are coming out. They are riding deep in the yogurt. They are going to swim so I gave them a swimming pool. The yogurt is a swimming pool where bananas go swimming wearing swim diapers and bathing suits.
7/30/11
Hattie has penned some kind of slacker anthem:
"nobody sees what we're not doing".
7/18/11
First non-kid's song that Hattie requested "I want to hear that again":
Pere Ubu - Street Waves
7/2/11
Hattie: Daddy, do you want to know how it happens?
Me: How does it happen?
Hattie: RAARRGAGR (smiling, roaring, gesticulating wildly)
6/25/11
Me: want to have some carrot?
Hattie: that's what she said.
4/24/11
"Can I eat ice cream, so I can smack my lips?"
"Boys eat ice cream and girls eat cake, and boys eat yogurt and babies eat... another ice cream."
Me: "Look at the pictures of food! there's grapes!"
Hattie: "And ice cream!"
Me: "And there's an eggplant!"
Hattie: "And ice cream!"
11/1/10
when Hattie sees her bare feet now, she says "hi feet! what're you doing, feet?" then she puts them together and makes a kissing sound. CUTESPLOSION
5/8/10
A few months ago I tried to get Hattie to drum along to the ruins. she responded by dancing and stabbing me with a drumstick.
Hattie wrote these lyrics today:
A firefly smoked himself
And the smoke went toward Florida
Now all that's left is a pineapple boot
Pineapple boot, pineapple boot
All that's left is a pineapple boot
'Cause I'm the only one
Who smoked myself in a bun
Because a robber chased me
And turned into a potato peach
Pineapple boot, pineapple boot
All that's left is a pineapple boot
6/12/13
"Weird Fancy Rhyme":
Rock the jam, dude
Amelia Bass
Boo boo boo,
Put your hands on your face
6/8/13
"I drink apple juice every morning to get my mouth ready to say words, my feet ready to walk, my hands ready to do things, and my skirt ready to twirl."
When I'm explaining to her how big the number 1 million is and how there many people there are in Philly:
"This is making me nervous, because if all the people run out of their homes and climb on cars to catch butterflies, will there be room for me to join in and go crazy?"
"If you lose a hand, that's terrible. But if you find a hand, it's lovely!"
5/30/13
Hattie: What do you think the government is doing right now? What do you think he's doing?
Me: The government isn't one person. There are different levels of government. there's the city government of Philadelphia, the state government of Pennsylvania, the national government of the USA.
Hattie: I think the city government is eating pasta right now. You might argue that the government can't eat pasta, but it can.
Me: Well, there are many people within city government -- the mayor and the city council members -- and they do argue each day about what to do.
Hattie: Today they're arguing about what to do about Jesus. And I'm like "come on, man. what are you going to do to him? He's already dead!"
5/28/13
"Everybody come to the national Hattie Let's Dance Slash Let's Eat Festival!"
"Boys don't know how to do anything exciting, just flop around and talk about action heroes."
Me: "If you throw clothes around the room again, no bedtime story."
Hattie: "What does 'threaten' mean?"
4/15/13
"That is a lovely pee. It wears flowers in its hair, an easter dress, many hats, an ear that is not an ear, a mouth that is not a mouth, and a crown that is not a crown."
"The Earth can't turn into Mars! But if it could it would be today. Then all the creepy monsters would come out... and the aliens would come out... and the wicked witch would come out."
How would it happen?
"I don't know so I'm just going to play poker."
With who?
"With myself... [sees teenage boys walking by] The way those boys are walking is dangerous! It could turn the Earth into Mars!"
"I don't cooperate when mommy's giving me a bath"
Grandma: What happens when you don't cooperate?
"Mommy turns inside out"
"I'm going to name my boat 'Fat Babies Who Eat Tigers'"
Hattie put three bandaids on a stuffed donut toy.
Pointed at the first: "RINGWORM!"
The second: "SEPTUS NOSE DESIRE!"
The third: "BLOOD RASH!"
3/28/13
"There's a band called The Moldy Cats.
They're not actually moldy cats… [changes mind]
They're moldy cats, playing in a museum.
Cats playing guitar, playing guitar!
Banging on drums, banging on drums!
Throwing dead birds, throwing dead birds!
Cats with pompoms, cats with pompoms!
With a cat cake with chicken on top!"
3/18/13
Hattie recently asked me:
"Are you going to get old?"
"Yes."
"Are you going to die of old age?"
"Yes."
"But I love you! I need a daddy!" Tears.
I hugged her and said I that I'm always going to be her daddy and I wouldn't die for a long long time, that she'd have a daddy for a long long time. Her doctor came in for the checkup and I explained why she was crying and he said she's smart to ask these questions.
After the appointment she asked when I would die.
I said that I don't know, but if I get to live to a ripe old age I should have 50 years or more, and that 50 years is so long from now, she'd be much older than I am now by the time that happens and I'll be her daddy the whole time. That when she's 12 and doing big kid stuff that she can't do yet (she asked "Like watching Howl's Moving Castle?") I'd be her daddy, and when she's 15 and doing teenager stuff I'll be her daddy, and when she's 25 and she's moved out and found her own place to live and a job I'll be her daddy, and if she decides to get married or not I'll be her daddy. Then I said that 50 years is so far in the future, everything will be different. People may have cars that drive themselves, some cities may be underwater, the weather will be different, and there may be medical breakthroughs that allow people to live longer so I can be her daddy for longer. I told her about breakthroughs of the past -- penicillin and smallpox vaccine and polio vaccine.
A few days later she said asked me again when I would die. I said "Oh, honey --" but when I turned to see her she was smiling. I asked why she was smiling and she said
"Because you'll be my daddy for a long long time."
2/17/13
I am Puss Puss, I will hate water for many years
I will jump away from your house
I will land in elsewhere
In Kansas I will meow for the twisters are fast
I will yeow, I do not to go to the emerald city
Except for my extra ear
But my extra ear walked away
And i will not get it ever again
I will meow at the hedgehogs I pass
and Tiggy, I will gladly pounce on you
and snifter I will get him
I can pounce on any guinea pig
I can pounce on Flip Flop
I can pounce on an actual flip flop
11/5/12
"Headlocks are cute! [scream] [sob] [laugh]"
"is the night time hiding somewhere?
isn't the night time hiding some bear?"
(in response to "did you wash your hands?":
"no, but i saw a squirrel!"
10/12/12
"i'm the main doctor in the neighborhood, i can take care of my own sicknesses"
"i don't like the mad hatter, i like alice, because i noticed she's a girl and i'm a girl myself"
"puss-puss crossed greene street and looked in the window at germantown friends looking for kids to nuzzle but there were no kids there because it was saturday, so he just ran down germantown avenue crying for his whole life"
9/12/12
Hattie has been suggesting names for "punk rock bands":
Nasty Mane
Flashing Mother
Kadi Sanago
8/23/12
Hattie and i stop to pick up a takeout order liz had called in at mi puebla. i put 6 minutes on the meter. we get back to the car in time, but then i have take Hattie into chef ken's cafe to use the bathroom and i forget to refill the meter. Hattie asks about the picture of muhammad ali standing over sonny liston and i try to explain what boxing is. i get back to the meter and we thankfully don't have a ticket. i tell Hattie that we're lucky, because the parking authority can get mad and make us pay money, and if they get really mad they can lock the car with a boot, and if they get really really mad they tow your car to the impound lot and you have to pay money to get it back.
Hattie starts extrapolating "if they get super mad, they break your car and you have to pay to get it fixed!"
next day in the car, Hattie says
"if the parking authority gets super duper mad, they cut down a bush and put it on your car, and you have to pay money to get it off"
8/15/12
took Hattie to guitar center for an evening's entertainment banging on drums and such. didn't buy anything. when we got home liz asked "what songs did you play?" and she said
"blues rock chicago, punk rock mo, chinese sadie, indian bot"
6/15/12
Hattie's history of evolution:
"first there were dinosaurs, then there was a puppy. then, monkey business!"
5/9/12
Hattie: you took my life!
me: i didn't take your life! what are you talking about?
Hattie, smiling: i'm talking about angry stuff.
4/25/12
H: I love you, I love you, you're a custaboo.
me: I love you too. What's a custaboo?
H: something that holds mysteries.
4/2/12
Hattie: "welcome to you, welcome to me, welcome to bugs."
me: "welcome to bugs? what bugs?"
Hattie: "Lady one."
me: "Lady bugs?"
Hattie: "Yes. Head up, this is a silly time."
3/27/12
"Is Mommy punk?"
Liz: "George, you be Butch Cassidy, and Hattie can be The Sundance Kid." Hattie: "No, I want to be the director." Then later: "I don't want to be a sundancer, I want to be a ladywoman."
2/2/12
"Remember, don't eat people, eat food. Welcome to Hattie's restaurant, with food. You don't eat paper. My restaurant is named Woot because it has radishes and badishes and kadishes and burgerita burgerita burgerita."
1/16/12
"Daddy, there's something important you need to do with me and mommy."
"…and what is that?"
"Woof."
"Thanks for this important instruction." "You're welcome. Boof."
1/22/12
i think hattie just issued her first rap diss... she chanted rhythmically:
"i want that baby to not come here
i want that baby to disappear"
1/16/12
Hattie: "where is south carolina?"
Me: "it's pretty far away"
H: "the elephants would need a moving truck to go there and have a movie jungle picnic with coffee and beer"
1/1/12
Puff (Hattie's Haunted Christmas Story)
Once upon a time there was a boy skeleton and a girl skeleton and the boy skeleton wanted the girl skeleton and so they waited for Santa to come. It was too spooky to make snowmen. It was too wintery and the house was too haunted to make gingerbread men. The ghost said "Boo!" to Santa and the girl said "Boo!" to Santa and Santa said "Ho ho ho EEK! Two ghosties!"
11/3/11
the wolf just prowls and the ghosts are afraid of the wolf.
the lonely wolf wants a kid to be its pet.
the witch brings all the kids and the monster balloons and the robot balloons to the high, high mountain.
the wolf meets a baby ghost but its actually a clown.
10/16/11
Hattie: "why are you talking quiet?"
me: "because it's bedtime. it's time to be quiet"
Hattie: "no, daddy. i'm a girl and i want to be loud."
Hattie: "what's he doing?"
homeless guy laying on floor next to elevator: "i'm putting on baby powder. does the baby want some?"
me: "the irony is, babies aren't supposed to use baby powder anymore. so baby powder is actually for everyone but babies."
Hattie: "i want to be a butt baby!"
8/4/11
The Story of How Yogurt Became Banana Yogurt
by Hattie
Bananas are coming out. They are riding deep in the yogurt. They are going to swim so I gave them a swimming pool. The yogurt is a swimming pool where bananas go swimming wearing swim diapers and bathing suits.
7/30/11
Hattie has penned some kind of slacker anthem:
"nobody sees what we're not doing".
7/18/11
First non-kid's song that Hattie requested "I want to hear that again":
Pere Ubu - Street Waves
7/2/11
Hattie: Daddy, do you want to know how it happens?
Me: How does it happen?
Hattie: RAARRGAGR (smiling, roaring, gesticulating wildly)
6/25/11
Me: want to have some carrot?
Hattie: that's what she said.
4/24/11
"Can I eat ice cream, so I can smack my lips?"
"Boys eat ice cream and girls eat cake, and boys eat yogurt and babies eat... another ice cream."
Me: "Look at the pictures of food! there's grapes!"
Hattie: "And ice cream!"
Me: "And there's an eggplant!"
Hattie: "And ice cream!"
11/1/10
when Hattie sees her bare feet now, she says "hi feet! what're you doing, feet?" then she puts them together and makes a kissing sound. CUTESPLOSION
5/8/10
A few months ago I tried to get Hattie to drum along to the ruins. she responded by dancing and stabbing me with a drumstick.
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