The Archive

6/30/13

Hattie wrote these lyrics today:

A firefly smoked himself
And the smoke went toward Florida
Now all that's left is a pineapple boot

Pineapple boot, pineapple boot
All that's left is a pineapple boot

'Cause I'm the only one
Who smoked myself in a bun
Because a robber chased me
And turned into a potato peach

Pineapple boot, pineapple boot
All that's left is a pineapple boot

6/12/13

"Weird Fancy Rhyme":

Rock the jam, dude
Amelia Bass
Boo boo boo,
Put your hands on your face

6/8/13

"I drink apple juice every morning to get my mouth ready to say words, my feet ready to walk, my hands ready to do things, and my skirt ready to twirl."

When I'm explaining to her how big the number 1 million is and how there many people there are in Philly:
"This is making me nervous, because if all the people run out of their homes and climb on cars to catch butterflies, will there be room for me to join in and go crazy?"

"If you lose a hand, that's terrible. But if you find a hand, it's lovely!"


5/30/13

Hattie: What do you think the government is doing right now? What do you think he's doing?

Me: The government isn't one person. There are different levels of government. there's the city government of Philadelphia, the state government of Pennsylvania, the national government of the USA.

Hattie: I think the city government is eating pasta right now. You might argue that the government can't eat pasta, but it can.

Me: Well, there are many people within city government -- the mayor and the city council members -- and they do argue each day about what to do.

Hattie: Today they're arguing about what to do about Jesus. And I'm like "come on, man. what are you going to do to him? He's already dead!"


5/28/13

"Everybody come to the national Hattie Let's Dance Slash Let's Eat Festival!"

"Boys don't know how to do anything exciting, just flop around and talk about action heroes."

Me: "If you throw clothes around the room again, no bedtime story."
Hattie: "What does 'threaten' mean?"



4/15/13

"That is a lovely pee. It wears flowers in its hair, an easter dress, many hats, an ear that is not an ear, a mouth that is not a mouth, and a crown that is not a crown."

"The Earth can't turn into Mars! But if it could it would be today. Then all the creepy monsters would come out... and the aliens would come out... and the wicked witch would come out."
How would it happen?
"I don't know so I'm just going to play poker."
With who?
"With myself... [sees teenage boys walking by] The way those boys are walking is dangerous! It could turn the Earth into Mars!"

"I don't cooperate when mommy's giving me a bath"
Grandma: What happens when you don't cooperate?
"Mommy turns inside out"

"I'm going to name my boat 'Fat Babies Who Eat Tigers'"

Hattie put three bandaids on a stuffed donut toy.
Pointed at the first: "RINGWORM!"
The second: "SEPTUS NOSE DESIRE!"
The third: "BLOOD RASH!"


3/28/13

"There's a band called The Moldy Cats.
They're not actually moldy cats… [changes mind]
They're moldy cats, playing in a museum.
Cats playing guitar, playing guitar!
Banging on drums, banging on drums!
Throwing dead birds, throwing dead birds!
Cats with pompoms, cats with pompoms!
With a cat cake with chicken on top!"


3/18/13

Hattie recently asked me:

"Are you going to get old?"
"Yes."
"Are you going to die of old age?"
"Yes."
"But I love you! I need a daddy!" Tears.

I hugged her and said I that I'm always going to be her daddy and I wouldn't die for a long long time, that she'd have a daddy for a long long time. Her doctor came in for the checkup and I explained why she was crying and he said she's smart to ask these questions.

After the appointment she asked when I would die.
I said that I don't know, but if I get to live to a ripe old age I should have 50 years or more, and that 50 years is so long from now, she'd be much older than I am now by the time that happens and I'll be her daddy the whole time. That when she's 12 and doing big kid stuff that she can't do yet (she asked "Like watching Howl's Moving Castle?") I'd be her daddy, and when she's 15 and doing teenager stuff I'll be her daddy, and when she's 25 and she's moved out and found her own place to live and a job I'll be her daddy, and if she decides to get married or not I'll be her daddy. Then I said that 50 years is so far in the future, everything will be different. People may have cars that drive themselves, some cities may be underwater, the weather will be different, and there may be medical breakthroughs that allow people to live longer so I can be her daddy for longer. I told her about breakthroughs of the past -- penicillin and smallpox vaccine and polio vaccine.

A few days later she said asked me again when I would die. I said "Oh, honey --" but when I turned to see her she was smiling. I asked why she was smiling and she said
"Because you'll be my daddy for a long long time."


2/17/13

I am Puss Puss, I will hate water for many years
I will jump away from your house
I will land in elsewhere
In Kansas I will meow for the twisters are fast
I will yeow, I do not to go to the emerald city
Except for my extra ear
But my extra ear walked away
And i will not get it ever again
I will meow at the hedgehogs I pass
and Tiggy, I will gladly pounce on you
and snifter I will get him
I can pounce on any guinea pig
I can pounce on Flip Flop
I can pounce on an actual flip flop

11/5/12

"Headlocks are cute! [scream] [sob] [laugh]"
"is the night time hiding somewhere?
isn't the night time hiding some bear?"
(in response to "did you wash your hands?":
"no, but i saw a squirrel!"

10/12/12

"i'm the main doctor in the neighborhood, i can take care of my own sicknesses"
"i don't like the mad hatter, i like alice, because i noticed she's a girl and i'm a girl myself"
"puss-puss crossed greene street and looked in the window at germantown friends looking for kids to nuzzle but there were no kids there because it was saturday, so he just ran down germantown avenue crying for his whole life"


9/12/12

Hattie has been suggesting names for "punk rock bands":

Nasty Mane
Flashing Mother
Kadi Sanago


8/23/12
Hattie and i stop to pick up a takeout order liz had called in at mi puebla. i put 6 minutes on the meter. we get back to the car in time, but then i have take Hattie into chef ken's cafe to use the bathroom and i forget to refill the meter. Hattie asks about the picture of muhammad ali standing over sonny liston and i try to explain what boxing is. i get back to the meter and we thankfully don't have a ticket. i tell Hattie that we're lucky, because the parking authority can get mad and make us pay money, and if they get really mad they can lock the car with a boot, and if they get really really mad they tow your car to the impound lot and you have to pay money to get it back.
Hattie starts extrapolating "if they get super mad, they break your car and you have to pay to get it fixed!"

next day in the car, Hattie says
"if the parking authority gets super duper mad, they cut down a bush and put it on your car, and you have to pay money to get it off"

8/15/12

took Hattie to guitar center for an evening's entertainment banging on drums and such. didn't buy anything. when we got home liz asked "what songs did you play?" and she said
"blues rock chicago, punk rock mo, chinese sadie, indian bot"

6/15/12

Hattie's history of evolution:

"first there were dinosaurs, then there was a puppy. then, monkey business!"

5/9/12

Hattie: you took my life!
me: i didn't take your life! what are you talking about?
Hattie, smiling: i'm talking about angry stuff.


4/25/12

H: I love you, I love you, you're a custaboo.
me: I love you too. What's a custaboo?
H: something that holds mysteries.


4/2/12

Hattie: "welcome to you, welcome to me, welcome to bugs."
me: "welcome to bugs? what bugs?"
Hattie: "Lady one."
me: "Lady bugs?"
Hattie: "Yes. Head up, this is a silly time."


3/27/12

"Is Mommy punk?"

Liz: "George, you be Butch Cassidy, and Hattie can be The Sundance Kid." Hattie: "No, I want to be the director." Then later: "I don't want to be a sundancer, I want to be a ladywoman."


2/2/12

"Remember, don't eat people, eat food. Welcome to Hattie's restaurant, with food. You don't eat paper. My restaurant is named Woot because it has radishes and badishes and kadishes and burgerita burgerita burgerita."


1/16/12

"Daddy, there's something important you need to do with me and mommy."
"…and what is that?"
"Woof."
"Thanks for this important instruction." "You're welcome. Boof."

1/22/12

i think hattie just issued her first rap diss... she chanted rhythmically:

"i want that baby to not come here
i want that baby to disappear"


1/16/12

Hattie: "where is south carolina?"
Me: "it's pretty far away"
H: "the elephants would need a moving truck to go there and have a movie jungle picnic with coffee and beer"


1/1/12

Puff (Hattie's Haunted Christmas Story)


Once upon a time there was a boy skeleton and a girl skeleton and the boy skeleton wanted the girl skeleton and so they waited for Santa to come. It was too spooky to make snowmen. It was too wintery and the house was too haunted to make gingerbread men. The ghost said "Boo!" to Santa and the girl said "Boo!" to Santa and Santa said "Ho ho ho EEK! Two ghosties!"


11/3/11

the wolf just prowls and the ghosts are afraid of the wolf.
the lonely wolf wants a kid to be its pet.
the witch brings all the kids and the monster balloons and the robot balloons to the high, high mountain.
the wolf meets a baby ghost but its actually a clown.


10/16/11

Hattie: "why are you talking quiet?"
me: "because it's bedtime. it's time to be quiet"
Hattie: "no, daddy. i'm a girl and i want to be loud."

Hattie: "what's he doing?"
homeless guy laying on floor next to elevator: "i'm putting on baby powder. does the baby want some?"
me: "the irony is, babies aren't supposed to use baby powder anymore. so baby powder is actually for everyone but babies."
Hattie: "i want to be a butt baby!"

8/4/11

The Story of How Yogurt Became Banana Yogurt
by Hattie

Bananas are coming out. They are riding deep in the yogurt. They are going to swim so I gave them a swimming pool. The yogurt is a swimming pool where bananas go swimming wearing swim diapers and bathing suits.


7/30/11

Hattie has penned some kind of slacker anthem:
"nobody sees what we're not doing".


7/18/11

First non-kid's song that Hattie requested "I want to hear that again":

Pere Ubu - Street Waves


7/2/11

Hattie: Daddy, do you want to know how it happens?
Me: How does it happen?
Hattie: RAARRGAGR (smiling, roaring, gesticulating wildly)


6/25/11

Me: want to have some carrot?
Hattie: that's what she said.


4/24/11

"Can I eat ice cream, so I can smack my lips?"

"Boys eat ice cream and girls eat cake, and boys eat yogurt and babies eat... another ice cream."

Me: "Look at the pictures of food! there's grapes!"
Hattie: "And ice cream!"
Me: "And there's an eggplant!"
Hattie: "And ice cream!"


11/1/10

when Hattie sees her bare feet now, she says "hi feet! what're you doing, feet?" then she puts them together and makes a kissing sound. CUTESPLOSION


5/8/10

A few months ago I tried to get Hattie to drum along to the ruins. she responded by dancing and stabbing me with a drumstick.